If you have been following along with this blog about my relationship with various dogs over many, many years, you no doubt have come to realize that my dogs have been important players in my life story. Coco, Brandon, Sheba, Kaicee, *Charlie Brown, Shadow and Beau have all crossed the rainbow bridge, but they live on in my heart and in many photos, some of which I have shared here. (*Charlie was not my dog, but he lived in my house for 3 years, so we bonded in many ways and later, when I visited my daughter and her family, Charlie was always over the moon when he saw me!)
Beau was my constant companion for nearly 10 years. We became partners… we were best friends as well as a Therapy Dog Team… and the rhythm of our daily lives was totally in sync. Beau was the center of daily life for me. I planned my days around giving him the best care possible. We had such a tight routine that on days when I had to deviate from the routine, Beau would look at me in such a way that I knew he was asking, “have you forgotten what time it is?” We took 4-5 long walks every day, which was healthy for both of us. He was fed in the morning and at noon, along with his apple snack mid-afternoon. He went to the office with me at least 75% of the time. When I had to leave him at home, I always made time to go home to take him out and to feed him. He was such a good boy, whether I was with him or not.
I never had a complaint from anyone that he was barking when I wasn’t home. And, we lived in at least 10 different residences, most of them rented, and he never did any damage to those properties. Absolutely none! He was truly one-of-a-kind! (To be totally transparent, though, while he never damaged any property that we lived in, a few toys belonging to my grandchildren sustained damage when we visited, mainly because Beau didn’t know there were toys he was not allowed to play with. Or… maybe he was trying to make a point?)
While I only encountered one congregation where Beau would not have been welcome, I’m sure that there were people in all of the congregations we served together who did not like the idea of Beau in their church building, even though his behavior was impressive. What I find remarkable, though, is their understanding and practice of Grace. They understood how important he was to me. No one ever asked me to leave him at home… no one ever complained when he was in my office… at least not that I am aware of. Thank you to all of you who embraced Beau and me as a team. Thank you for loving him and giving him the attention he loved so much. We loved spending time with you. And, for all of you who practiced unconditional grace, even though you were not keen on having a dog at church, I am truly grateful.
Beau died while I was negotiating with the next church I would serve, the one who did not want me to bring a dog. Had Beau not died, there is no way I would have accepted the invitation to serve that congregation. But, when he died, I saw that as God opening a door that I was meant to go through. And, I truly believe that I helped them navigate the transition process in very meaningful ways. I believe that if you asked the congregation leaders, they would agree that my help was just what they needed.
What I could not predict, however, was how much not having a dog would affect me emotionally.
The events of Beau’s final hours were somewhat unexpected and extremely traumatic for both of us. Ten years of shared love ended in less than 12 hours. And those last hours were horrific for me and probably for him, too. This took a greater toll on me than I realized. It was only after he was gone that I understood how much emotional support he had given me. He was a Therapy Dog for everyone else, but he was an unofficial Emotional Support Dog for me.
Ask anyone who is or has been the pastor of a church and I am certain that they will agree that ministry can be very stressful. Pastors who do not have ways to de-stress will often find themselves experiencing illness, weight gain, depression, or burn-out, just to name a few. Pastors who live alone also experience loneliness in addition to the ailments listed above. A pet can help people live healthier and can be a great stress reliever, too. This has been documented by medical professionals. There are two groups on Facebook… Clergy with Dogs (1000 members) and Clergy with Cats (2600 members) that will attest to the benefit of having one or more pets in a household. I polled Clergy with Dogs and only one person said they would consider moving for a job where their dog was not welcome.
I love being a pastor and I particularly enjoy being a transition/interim pastor, traveling all over the US helping congregations through an unsettled and often stressful time for them, as they mourn the loss of their previous pastor and seek to call a new one. Having Beau with me was a comfort in so many ways. We explored the new neighborhoods where we lived with long walks. When I was in the church building alone, he was always a comfort, because his hearing was much better than mine! Once when I had a scare when I was at the church alone, the police officer who responded said Beau was my best defense. When I said he was not aggressive, the officer replied “intruders don’t know that, and they will usually avoid places where there are dogs.” When visitors or staff were in the building, Beau was always offering a wagging tail, or a head to pet. When I went home, he was great company for me. And together, we logged close to 10,000 miles by car as I moved back and forth across the US to serve as transition pastor to 5 congregations. Even when there were days that ministry was particularly stressful, all I had to do was talk to him and pet him and I could actually feel the stress leave my body. He put a smile on my face, even on the saddest of days, like the day my mother died.
After Beau died, I moved back to my home base. I put most of my stuff in storage. Then, less than three weeks later I was on the road again, moving to serve as the transition pastor at the church that said, “no dogs.” I knew when I agreed to go that I would have to live without a dog for at least a year and perhaps longer. I thought I could do it successfully but it turns out I was wrong.
I had never been a pastor without a dog at home, and, for much of the last 10 years, in my church office with me. Truthfully, this congregation was no more stressful than any of the others I have served. I’ve been in ministry for over 20 years, as a lay and ordained person. I’ve had to deal with just about everything you can imagine… including a world-wide deadly pandemic. Most churches are very similar… probably more similar than they think. Yet, they are distinctive in some ways, too. But the bottom line is they are made up of people… people who have come together because they want to love and serve Christ in community. And that’s why I love being their pastor!
What I could not anticipate, however, was how I would respond emotionally to losing Beau. The first month after he died, I was busy with two moves. I was also with my family. But then I settled in a new town where I knew no one and was living alone, and the grief overwhelmed me. When I was at the church, I was busy, so I thought I was handling it fairly well. I’m happy to admit that I have a ton of patience and have learned over the years to go with the flow even when things seem to be getting out of hand. I am not a worrier, and therefore I rarely let anything happening at the church upset me. I place the challenges in God’s hands through prayer, do what I can, and then trust that whatever ever happens is meant to happen. This plan of action has served me well and truthfully, most of the time everything works out for the best.
However, at home, I was a wreck emotionally. I cried about everything. Being home alone only emphasized that I had lost my best friend. Grief can be crippling, and in my case it was. I didn’t want to do anything that I didn’t have to do. I got my work done and I did it to the best of my ability because that is the sort of Type-A person that I am. And then I would go home and fall apart. My stress level was rising, and, though I didn’t realize it, my historically normal blood pressure was rising as well. My patience was short and I’m sorry for that. This congregation did not get the best of me as a pastor. Occasionally I said out loud, “not having a dog is killing me.” But that meant nothing to them. Why should it? Yet the statement had more truth than I realized.
Adding to my stress was starting necessary orthodontia about a month after I moved to the new church/town. But I had to drive 4 hours alone each way each time I had an appointment. No Beau in the seat behind me. The road between my two destinations is known for being dangerous, and driving it alone added to my already mounting stress. I dreaded the drive every time I had to make it. Fortunately my check-up appointments were approximately 10 weeks apart so that was a bit of a relief. But the orthodontic appliances in my mouth were super, super annoying! They caused me to lisp… not good for someone whose job requires public speaking on a regular basis. So grief, loneliness, and stress for a variety of reasons, including ongoing challenges due to the coronavirus pandemic, brewed up a perfect storm. The clouds were building… and then the storm struck. I ended up in the emergency room. But it could have been worse… I could have been killed or seriously injured, or killed or injured innocent people.
As I was driving in heavy traffic on that dangerous road about an hour and a half from my destination, suddenly and without any warning, I nearly blacked out. By the grace of God I managed to safely get off the road. I still don’t know how I was able to avoid causing an accident. Again, I believe it was the grace of God that kept us all safe.
In the emergency room they checked my heart and did 2 CT scans of my head. Every test was normal except my blood pressure… it was so high that I am lucky that I did not have a stroke. When they asked me about my job, which had been especially stressful the couple of weeks before this episode, my blood pressure skyrocketed. My son was sitting where he could see the numbers and said it was shocking to see them go so high. I told the Dr. that I had been struggling with stress and grief since my dog died last summer, and that my job had been especially stressful recently. His advice was to take a break from work, and see my family doctor for follow-up regarding my blood pressure. By the time I saw my Dr. a few days later, I had resigned from my job. After I told him my story, he checked my blood pressure and said it was back to normal. He affirmed that dogs can be valuable emotional partners. Since my heart and head seemed fine from a medical standpoint, he said, “get a dog, and go back to work.” So, now you know how I got to where I was when I started this blog series… recovering from the death of my beloved canine ministry partner.
While I plan to go back to work, hopefully soon, a few things have changed. First, I realized that I had to take time to come to terms with my grief. Grief is not a process… it is an emotion. It’s an emotion that can be paralyzing at first, but with time, usually eases. I don’t think grief ever truly goes away, and actually, it shouldn’t. We grieve because we lost something that we dearly loved. For the grief to truly disappear or subside, we would have to acknowledge that the object of our love was never important. That’s ridiculous! I still grieve for all the people and animals that I have loved. The intensity of the grief does ebb after time… and it takes a different amount of time for each one of us. But there is hope that we will be happy again.
The ebb and flow of grief was made clear to me the other day. My father died in 1989 and is buried in a National Cemetery. for Military Veterans. We visited his grave this past Memorial Day. While there, I found my eyes welling up with tears. I was sad that he had missed his grandchildren growing up and was never able to meet his great-grandchildren. I still grieve for him because I loved him. The grief for him rises up very infrequently now, but when it does, I accept that it is a gift that is driven by love.
Second, it is time for me to stay put in the same city where my children live. My days of itinerant ministry have come to an end. Fortunately, I live in a very large metropolitan area, so work will come when God is ready for me to start serving as interim pastor in a church locally. I feel so blessed to have served as the transition/interim pastor to six churches so far since 2015. I have met so many people that I now call friends even though we live in various parts of the US. And, in my heart, I know that I’m not finished serving as a pastor. It’s who I am and what I love to do.
Third, I will adopt another dog soon, hopefully one suited to train as a Therapy Dog. The churches I serve from now on will be able to choose whether or not they will allow my dog to be part of their ministry, and I’m ok with that. But, never again will I live in an apartment or house where I cannot have my dog with me. I’m healthier and happier and even a better pastor when I have a “best friend” with whom to share my life.
Thanks so much for following my journey. I will continue to write this blog. I’m considering taking you on my next journey as I train another dog to be my ministry partner. So stay tuned!
Grace Notes 