(Trigger alert – if you have recently lost a pet). When I started this series, I knew this would be the hardest one for me to write. But it is necessary for me to heal. The pain is real as I write, but I believe that it will also lead to the peace I need in order to continue my work as a transition pastor, and to build a life with another precious dog that I hope to train as a therapy dog, who will bring joy to others.
About 2 months after Beau and I arrived back home safely, despite the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, we moved about 2 hours away from my family so I could serve my 5th interim congregation. Interim ministry has given me opportunities to serve congregations in various parts of the US. Because of the pandemic, it seemed prudent to stay closer to my family and I believe God agreed. Starting to serve a new congregation when social distancing was mandated was not without challenges. But, I donned my mask and went to the church office most days. Since we couldn’t meet for worship in person on Sundays, Thursdays were “worship” days, as the musicians and I recorded a service to broadcast on You Tube. One of our council members cheerfully and willingly was our “camera person” even though this was out of his comfort zone. It was out of mine too, in a way. I love preaching and leading worship, but it is not as much fun when there is no one in the pews. Having the congregation singing and responding makes the experience so much richer for everyone. I will be forever grateful for our dedicated musicians and our camera person. They met each week despite the risk that any or all of us could become very ill… or worse. Thankfully, during the year I was there, only one of us contracted Covid-19, and did recover. And, when the vaccinations became available, we were all of the age that we could get them sooner rather than later.
We posted notices on the doors saying that masks were required to enter the building. This was doubly important because many of our members were in the high risk age group. They would stop by the office, one or two at a time… masked… in order to continue the business of the church and to meet me… and Beau. Beau soon gained another fan club. We would greet many of the people at the door and when I was in my office, they would stop by to say “hi” and sometimes bring treats for Beau.
Our camera person kept asking me to bring Beau to our worship recording sessions. But I kept saying that I didn’t really have a good reason to bring him into the sanctuary with us. Eventually, though, I used Beau as an illustration for one of my sermons so I allowed him to lay quietly next to me. As always he was a good boy. (https://youtu.be/-zCTm6VGRbc) This video is now one that I will always cherish. Thank you BD for encouraging me to let him be part of worship.
Not long after the worship video, Beau had his first seizure. I had gone to bed and Beau usually slept on his bed near the patio door. He liked that spot because he could see outside. I heard him making some unusual noises and when I checked on him, I discovered he was having what I thought was a seizure. It only lasted a couple of minutes but it felt like it lasted much longer. The next night, at about the same time, he had another seizure.
Since we had just moved to this new city, I did not have a veterinarian yet. I called a few and luckily the office near my house agreed to see us. Of course, the pandemic was still early days, so I was told to call them when I was in the parking lot and they would come out and take Beau in. No one except staff and patients were being admitted into the building. The vet could not find any detectable reason why Beau had suddenly started having seizures. She suggested blood work, which I approved, and an extra set of labs in order to determine if Beau had Valley Fever, since we were living in the desert southwest. Valley Fever is very common in humans and is becoming more prevalent in dogs, too. When that test thankfully came back negative, she said the only other option would be to have an MRI. But, she cautioned, that will cost about $1500 and may not give many answers. I knew that Beau was almost 11 years old. I also knew that if he did have a brain abscess or tumor, it would be far too costly to treat it… and I would never put him through anything that traumatic anyway. I shared our sad story on Facebook, because most of the people who know us are aware of how much Beau meant to me. A member of a church where we had served 2 years earlier messaged me that she would be happy to pay for an MRI for Beau. Her kind offer brought me to tears, but I declined for the reasons I listed above. Some people reading this blog may think that I put too much stock in Beau’s impact on others, but this generous offer was a wonderful reminder that Beau was loved by many, many people.
For the next 6 weeks or so, Beau did not have any more seizures. We went back to our usual routine. When I visited with my children and their families, however, I explained to my grandchildren that should Beau have a seizure, not to panic and not to touch him. Just let him be and tell one of their parents if I wasn’t at home. My son thinks Beau had a seizure one evening when I wasn’t home but Beau showed no side effects so I didn’t record it on my calendar.
His next seizure happened about 3 am. It woke me up. But, there wasn’t anything I could do for him except pray. It was a very helpless feeling. A couple more months went by without any seizures so I was beginning to think that perhaps the problem had resolved itself. Then Beau had two seizures in the middle of the night, about an hour apart. Six weeks later, he had another one, this time in early evening. A month later, another one. Six weeks later, another one. They were so random. And in between, Beau was himself. We went about our daily schedule as if everything was perfectly fine. Then, nearly two good months went by. And then, disaster struck. (Trigger warning – If you have recently lost a beloved pet).
My time at this church was about to end, and I was already in conversation with another church to become their interim pastor. Unlike any of my previous interim congregations, this one was not thrilled that I was bringing Beau with me. They did not want him at the church, which would have been ok, but he wasn’t welcome in the house they rented for me. Housing was very tight in that community and rentals that allowed pets were even scarcer. So, although I would be happy to help them through the transition process, if Beau wasn’t welcome, then that would not be the place for me either. I think this is when God intervened.
While we were still negotiating, Beau had a series of massive non-stop seizures over a 4 hour period from about midnight to 4 am. I was hysterical! There was nothing I could do for him. He was too heavy to lift, and where I lived, wild animals often roamed the neighborhood after dark (truth!), so I was afraid to go outside. My family was at least 2 hours away by car, and even if they came, there wasn’t anything they could do to help Beau. I cried and prayed all night, helpless and heartbroken, because I knew this was the end. In fact, I prayed that he would just die… because it would have been more humane than what he was experiencing. Finally, about 4 am, we were exhausted but the seizures stopped. Beau was disoriented. I’m not sure he even knew where he was or who I was. I cleaned him up, and at 8 am called his vet. That was another shock! The recording said “sorry, the vet retired and this office is permanently closed” with no referral to another vet or animal hospital. Who does that???? Closes and doesn’t tell your clients or help them find another vet???
So, I had to start looking up and calling emergency vets and pet hospitals. Every one I called said they were booked and couldn’t take Beau. I was only looking for someone to euthanize him. I couldn’t take a chance that he would go through anything like those seizures ever again. It was going to kill me, but I had to let him go. I had to give him peace. Finally, I found a traveling vet who said she would come to my house… tomorrow… to euthanize Beau. But, I couldn’t wait… I had to find help for Beau immediately. So, I kept calling and finally an emergency vet hospital on the other side of town said “if you can get him here, we will help you.” Thank you, VCA. I will be forever grateful!
So, the next challenge was getting Beau into the car. He was weak and disoriented. I put his collar and leash on him. My car was quite a distance from my condo but I managed to coax and drag him to the car. Now it was summer and the cement and asphalt were blistering hot, so I tried to stay in the shade and have him move quickly. He was used to doing this… that is until his mind was nearly gone. Once I opened up the back of my car where he always rode and usually jumped right in, he just stood there. When I said “get in the car,” he wouldn’t move. I tried tugging on him. I climbed in the back thinking he would jump in with me. Finally, I had to muster the strength to lift the dead weight of a 75 pound dog into the car. Beau’s guardian angel had to be helping because I am not in that good of shape!
The emergency hospital was on the other side of town. Beau managed to creep up to just behind my seat. There was an A/C vent that he had enjoyed on our travels and I think it felt good to him. When we arrived at VCA, I called them and they came right out and had a strong vet tech carry Beau into a private room. They took him to put a line in his vein to make the procedure simple. They asked if I would like his paw print and of course I said yes. Then they brought him back to me and told me to take all the time I wanted with him and to let them know when I was ready to let him go. I will always treasure those last moments with him. I did not want to give him up but I would not let him suffer. I always put the welfare of my animals first.
I will conclude this series in my next blog post. I still have a few words to share about my life with Beau… and my life after his death. Thank you for sharing my journey. I have received a few comments, and a few of you are following this blog, and it is comforting to know that others understand and care.
Next up: Epilogue
Grace Notes 